Mirage
by Medusa-sensei
Summary: Just when he thought he had everything, he was reminded of how he never will.
1. Oneshot

**Mirage**

Just when he thought he had everything, he was reminded of how he never will.

* * *

"Are you alright, Juudaime?"

Tsuna's hand trembled. He wanted to say he wasn't. He wanted to say that he might never be. But instead of doing just that, he resolutely shook his head and forced a laugh, merely hoping that Gokudera didn't hear the catch in his breath. He didn't want him to worry, after all.

"What are you talking about, Gokudera-kun?" He could feel himself shaking. His voice didn't waver, did it? "I'm perfectly okay. There's nothing to worry about."

Unfortunately for him, Gokudera just couldn't seem to buy it.

"But Juudaime, you haven't been attending school for the past week! For the first few days, Reborn-san managed to convince us that you're just a little sick but he won't even let us visit you! I'd hate to doubt Reborn-san but-"

"Then don't doubt Reborn," he interjected. He never would have thought of using that tone against Gokudera had it been any other day but he had to get his point across. He didn't want the bomber to notice. As simple minded as he might seem to be, Gokudera is very observant. Given a little more time to their conversation and a few slip ups on his part, the bomber might have a chance of discovering just what he's currently going through.

And Tsuna didn't want that.

In a softer tone, one that he'd use on Lambo and I-pin when they began arguing, he told him, "I'm really fine, Gokudera-kun. You don't need to worry. Tell Yamamoto-kun that he should just focus on what he has in front of him right now. He has a baseball tournament next week, am I right? Also, I'm sure Kyoko-chan and Nii-san are constantly asking you about me… Just tell them what I told you- that I'm perfectly okay. I'll be back in school in no time, I promise."

Tsuna could easily visualize Gokudera arguing with himself; the rational and logical part of him against that one- and _biggest_ -part of him which was completely dedicated and loyal to him.

Gokudera said nothing and Tsuna took a painfully deep breath and held it. He doesn't want to do this, but he had to. He had no other choice.

 _Then again, he never did._

"Do you not trust me, Gokudera-kun?" he asked.

It _twisted_. The feeling of guilt and self-loathing erupted within his very core. His skin prickled and he felt sick. He didn't want to do this. He didn't- and never will –question Gokudera's loyalty. The bomber has offered everything he was to him, and _he_ has no right to question it. He held a hand to his mouth and gritted his teeth as he forcefully shut his eyes.

 _I'm sorry._

"I-I trust you, Juudaime! I would never doubt you!"

 _I'm sorry, Gokudera-kun…_

"Have I done something for you to think I would question you, Juudaime?"

 _I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry._

"I… I understand. I will tell the baseb—Yamamoto that you'll be back soon… I'll also tell the… the others…"

 _That's enough. That's already enough, Gokudera-kun. Please stop it. Please._

"…T-then I… I will… await your return. H-have a good day, Juudaime..."

Tsuna stared blankly at the phone he now held within his limp grasp.

He felt numb. He felt sick. He felt pathetic.

He lifted his head and stared at his reflection from across the room as he let the phone slip through his fingers. He looked terrible. His hair was a mess, his complexion was sickly pale, his body has significantly lost weight, and his eyes were practically dead. Needles were attached to his skin as cables pooled underneath the bed he was laying on, the phone he previously held now tangled within them.

 _He'll be alright. He will be. He promised that he'll come back, after all._

His fingers rose to grip his hair and he raised his knees to his chest.

Tsuna cried and screamed.

 _Just when he thought he had everything, he was reminded of how he never will._

* * *

It's been two days and Gokudera still hasn't called him.

Tsuna continued to blame himself.

"How long will you stay like this, Tsuna?" Reborn asked from where he sat. His expression was hard and forced; strained even. Tsuna understood. The Arcobaleno was once again forced to deal with the unwanted and this time around, even the brunet didn't know how Reborn will take it.

"… Say, Reborn," he called weakly as he turned his head away, "How do you do it?"

"What do you mean?"

"How do you deal with everything?"

Reborn snorted. "I just do."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

Tsuna laughed, and even as he did, it sounded hollow and empty. His eyes crinkled and there was a spark in his eyes before it faded along with his laughter. He couldn't help himself. The response was just as he had expected from someone such as Reborn himself. Definite, and brief. No complexities or complications, merely a very simple, 'I just do'.

He breathed a sigh.

 _If only he was as strong as Reborn… maybe he could've-_

"I don't know what kind of stupid thought is running through your otherwise empty head right now but you should shut it up," Reborn brusquely stated with a small shove to Tsuna's legs. "Shamal has given you permission to leave tomorrow."

Tsuna's fingers tightly clutched the sheets. His eyebrows furrowed and he closed his eyes. The feeling of nausea was back and he wrapped his arms around himself.

…He was scared. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to face reality.

"Can't I stay here?"

 _They're waiting for you._

"Just for a little… longer…"

 _They want you back. Why are you leaving them behind?_

"I… don't want to see them yet."

 _I'm sorry, everyone. I'm… I'm really sorry._

Reborn stared at him, his obsidian eyes piercing and frighteningly cold to the core. He was merciless. And he will be twice as merciless for his sake, even if the subject of his cruelty was him himself.

Tsuna kept his eyes closed and his grip on his arms tightened until they were sure to bruise. Reborn can do as he pleases, but he'll never change his mind.

"…Fine," he suddenly said somberly. "I'll talk to Shamal."

Tsuna's trembling frame gradually ceased shaking and he felt a relieved sigh leave his lips. He heard Reborn jump off of the bed and tiny little footsteps grow more distant. Reborn was leaving.

But before he heard him shut the door, he heard the Sun Arcobaleno say one thing that haunted him for the next three nights.

"You can't keep running away forever, Tsuna."

* * *

Nana glanced at her son, concern etched into her features as she watched him slowly eat his breakfast. Usually, he would be competing over the food with Lambo and I-pin, but…

She shook her head and forced a smile.

"What time will you be home, dear?"

Tsuna looked up at her and Nana felt a chill run down her back. Tsuna's eyes were unfocused and an empty smile was on his face- something which she has never seen before. It was evident that his injuries were still healing from the way he moved but no amount of bandages or medicines could change the look in his eyes.

"I'll be coming home late," he murmured softly as he stared back at his barely touched food. He pushed himself away from his chair and grabbed his bag. "I'll be leaving now, too."

"But, dear, you barely finished your food-"

"You prepared way too much, Mom."

 _Of course_ , she wanted to say. He was _finally_ back and she wanted to do what she could to help him after what had happened. Besides, these were for-

"They aren't here," Tsuna whispered and it had hit her harder than anything else that she's ever heard in her entire life. He slung the strap of his bag over his shoulder and left the dining room with a blank expression.

Nana watched him go and felt her heart clench.

Her son was hurting but she couldn't do anything other than watch. Her son was hurting and yet…

 _They aren't here._

Nana fell to her knees and sobbed.

 _Tsuna was all that she had left._

* * *

Namimori Highschool.

This was where it all began.

This was where he met Gokudera Hayato. This was where he befriended Yamamoto Takeshi and Sasagawa Ryohei. This was where he fell for Sasagawa Kyoko. This was where he encountered Hibari Kyoya. This was where some of their battles were held.

This was their home.

This was their… _home_.

Tsuna gritted his teeth.

 _Shut up, baseball freak! Ah, Juudaime! How have you been?_

It hurts.

 _Mah, mah… What's up, Tsuna?_

How do you make it stop?

 _OOOH! EXTREME!_

It hurts it hurts it hurts _it hurts it hurts…_

 _Why are you crowding, herbivores?_

Please, make it stop. Please… please… _please_ …

 _Isn't this quite the amusing sight, Vongola Decimo?_

Tsuna exhaled shakily and looked up to the sky. The voices… they rang clearly within his head.

* * *

 _"_ _Are you alright, Juudaime?"_

 _Tsuna's hand trembled. He wanted to say he wasn't. He wanted to say that he might never be. But instead of doing just that, he resolutely shook his head and forced a laugh, merely hoping that Gokudera didn't hear the catch in his breath. He didn't want him to worry, after all._

 _"_ _What are you talking about, Gokudera-kun?" He could feel himself shaking. His voice didn't waver, did it? "I'm perfectly okay. There's nothing to worry about."_

* * *

He wanted to laugh. It was haunting him, constantly reminding him that there was no painless path to take.

* * *

 _In a softer tone, one that he'd use on Lambo and I-pin when they began arguing, he told him, "I'm really fine, Gokudera-kun. You don't need to worry. Tell Yamamoto-kun that he should just focus on what he has in front of him right now. He has a baseball tournament next week, am I right? Also, I'm sure Kyoko-chan and Nii-san are constantly asking you about me… Just tell them what I told you- that I'm perfectly okay. I'll be back in school in no time, I promise."_

 _Tsuna could easily visualize Gokudera arguing with himself; the rational and logical part of him against that one- and biggest -part of him which was completely dedicated and loyal to him._

 _Gokudera said nothing and Tsuna took a painfully deep breath and held it. He doesn't want to do this, but he had to. He had no other choice._

 _Then again, he never did._

* * *

Tsuna tugged at his hair and screamed until his head began to hurt. He screamed, and screamed, and _screamed_ because he _knew_.

He knew.

* * *

 _"_ _Do you not trust me, Gokudera-kun?" he asked._

 _It twisted. The feeling of guilt and self-loathing erupted within his very core. His skin prickled and he felt sick. He didn't want to do this. He didn't- and never will –question Gokudera's loyalty. The bomber has offered everything he was to him, and he has no right to question it. He held a hand to his mouth and gritted his teeth as he forcefully shut his eyes._

 _I'm sorry._

 _"_ _I-I trust you, Juudaime! I would never doubt you!"_

 _I'm sorry, Gokudera-kun…_

 _"_ _Have I done something for you to think I would question you, Juudaime?"_

 _I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry._

 _"_ _I… I understand. I will tell the baseb—Yamamoto that you'll be back soon… I'll also tell the… the others…"_

 _That's enough. That's already enough, Gokudera-kun. Please stop it. Please._

 _"…_ _T-then I… I will… await your return. H-have a good day, Juudaime..."_

 _Tsuna stared blankly at the phone he now held within his limp grasp._

* * *

Tsuna knew…

Tsuna knew that this was all an **_illusion_** **.**

* * *

 _And just when he finally thought he had everything, he was reminded of how he never will._

 **END**


	2. Explanation

**Explanation** :

The very first occurrence in the story didn't actually happen. Tsuna didn't talk to Gokudera. He was _hallucinating_. He thought of what he wished he could've said and what he could've told Gokudera before what happened. When he had questioned Gokudera's loyalty towards him, you'll see his inner thoughts. It was what he felt and what he was feeling, and there, you can see his instability. His imagination somewhat merged with his perception of reality. Knowing that, he cried and screamed. He didn't know how to make it stop. He wanted it to stop, yet at the same time, he didn't want it to. It was a constant reminder of his weakness; a stepping stone for strength.

And that tore him apart because that makes it seem as if their deaths were so petty as to be forgotten given time.

For the next part where we see an interaction between Reborn and Tsuna, it starts with 'Tsuna blaming himself'. Reborn could read his student's thoughts and thus, asked him, "How long will you stay like this?"

Tsuna didn't say anything to directly answer the Arcobaleno's question. Instead, he answered with a question of his own which was, "How do you deal with everything?" It was subtle but it was enough to tell Reborn that Tsuna had the desire to actually be better again. This then leads to Reborn's short response and Tsuna wishing that he had Reborn's strength.

One thought which was cut off during their interaction was-

 _If only he was as strong as Reborn… maybe he could've_ _ **saved them**_ _._

Not too long after that, Reborn tells Tsuna that Shamal has given permission to leave and Tsuna almost instinctively hears voices which contradict what he says.

Tsuna was too afraid to face reality as it was- a reality without them and a reality that would force him to use their deaths as nothing but a means to acquire more power which relates to the line-

["Just for a little… longer…" _They want you back. Why are you leaving them behind?_ ]

And then he apologizes with Reborn relenting to his wish to stay longer. However, he leaves his student with a reminder- "You can't keep running away forever, Tsuna."

In the next part, Nana makes an appearance which then hints at the fact that Tsuna has finally left the place. But then, we see how Tsuna truly is. Broken and devastated beyond repair with nothing but an empty smile on his face and a dead look in his eyes. Nana watches, not knowing what she can do and not knowing how to deal with the loss of the people who became a part of their family, and cries.

She then says, "Tsuna is all that I have left," which proves the fact that there really was nobody else but those two, just like it had been from the very start.

In the final part of the story, it all comes back to Namimori Highschool and Tsuna reminiscing about what had been. He desperately asks to make it stop and the fact that he was hallucinating was ascertained with the lines-

[Tsuna exhaled shakily and looked up to the sky. **The voices… they rang clearly within his head.** ]

And then we go back to his conversation with Gokudera and he finally admits that he knew that everything was an **illusion**.


End file.
